apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
