Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
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Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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