I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
