I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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