dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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