biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
