Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
