What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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