After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize