i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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