Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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