And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
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I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
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There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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