the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
