Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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