She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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