Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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