Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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