at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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