dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
