why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
