Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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