Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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