I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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