Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Bring me that man meat
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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