I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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