what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
