peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
