Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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