At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
