I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
