I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
