her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
