there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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