Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
