fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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