He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
