genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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