there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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