I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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