All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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