why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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