Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
