i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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