In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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