When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
