just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
