don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
