Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You pole danced in your parka.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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