I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
