thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
