when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
