I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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