Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
