I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
