there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
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this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
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Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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